Immobilized kittens

I once heard, kittens that are immobilized as they grow, that aren't allowed to explore three-dimensional spaces, are unable to develop a clear sense of themselves. They do not understand their shape or physical abilities the way normal cats do. They can't determine how easily they fit through spaces or how distance works. They need interaction with their environment to shape their understanding of their bodies.

Trial and error plays such an important role in growth. Like any animal exploring physical spaces, we humans seek out the limitations of our inner selves. We stretch and bump into walls and learn the limits of our intellect, our patience, our generosity. We learn what we can do and what we won't do. We learn the space we take up in others' lives. We learn how much space to leave for others in our own. We learn to maneuver and survive.

I'm thinking of this as I navigate the trickiest period of my life so far. It comes with a label: Divorce. And it comes with side effects: Pain, Confusion, Shame.

It's also the first time in my life I've had complete freedom to explore all the limitations of my own space. I can reach for anything without asking permission. I can take any risk, make any error. It's freeing and terrifying. I'm completely responsible for myself in a way I have never been before.

So, I'm falling, running into walls, and getting hurt. I'm finding the limits, and I'm making mistakes. I'm gaining a sense of my shape, and it's bigger than I thought, needs more than I thought, reaches higher than I thought. I'm sketching an outline, and it's a difficult process.

It's a challenge to mobilize yourself, but it's worth it. I'll be stronger for this. I'm coming alive in new ways. I'm seeing with new eyes.

What about you? How much risk do you take in your own life? How frequently do you test your boundaries, explore your edges? How often do you do things that scare you? Do you open yourself to getting hurt? Do you give yourself permission to make mistakes?

If you're not already doing these things, start now. Stretch yourself in ways that challenge you. Step into the world and throw yourself against every barrier you can find. See if they break. Slip around the edges. Learn the shape of your abilities, and keep pushing further.

And the next time you see someone flailing, failing, hurling herself into obstacles with fervent persistence, don't pity her. Be proud. Have faith that when she stumbles, she'll pick herself back up. She's finding her way. But offer her a hand. She may just need it.