Friday, September 07, 2012

Give yourself


"Enthusiasm is the best protection in any situation. Wholeheartedness is contagious. Give yourself, if you wish to get others." 
- Dr. David Seabury

I stumbled across this quote in high school, and it has stuck with me ever since. I've often thought of it in moments of fear and uncertainty. As a person who tends to retreat when I'm nervous, I've had to actively cultivate the habit of enthusiasm, of wholeheartedness. I force myself to engage as fully as possible--to get on board, really on board--to shed aloofness. This is hard, and I don't always succeed. But when I do, I see tremendous results. People latch onto positive energy. 

For more than a decade, I've focused my attention primarily on those first two sentences, taking the third as a natural extension, a rhetorically pleasing add-on. I thought it was about giving up your dignity, being willing to be the first to make a fool of yourself so others can follow suit. 

Over the past few months, my understanding of this concept has morphed. Give yourself. It sounds so simple, but I believe it is a deeply nuanced art. 

It's a combination of honesty and empathy, servitude and dependence, openness and closure. To give yourself means to give the best parts of yourself, freely, and to allow others to see the rest, slowly. It means being genuine, being honest, and being engaged. But it also means protecting yourself and others, preserving the sanctity of your best self and your relationships. 

Honesty and empathy
Although I'm reluctant to position these two qualities as opposed, there is an extraordinarily complex relationship between them, often pitting them at odds. Honesty is rarely as simple as it sounds; the world is filled with more smudgy gray areas than clean, black-and-white facts. We deal in degrees of honesty all the time, from simply not commenting on a fashion choice we find distasteful to shielding a friend from the knowledge her spouse is unfaithful. To what degree each choice is right depends entirely on the relationships and circumstances involved, and it's measured in empathy.

I've read the arguments that suggest complete honesty is always the best approach, and I disagree. I believe we should always strive to be as honest as possible within the bounds of compassion. Have the bravery to deliver difficult messages where needed, but also have the strength to conceal unnecessary pain. 

We're inundated with opportunities to be both honest and empathetic, to walk the strange, curvy lines, to slice through the nuances on others' behalf. This constant navigation is a form of giving yourself. It takes a lot of energy to find the balance. 

Many choose to hide in a state of constant flattery, fake smiles, put-on demeanors instead. They "wear the mask that grins and lies" because it's easy, expected, accepted. But to really give yourself, you need to go deeper than that.

Servitude and dependence
Another facet of giving yourself is service. Do for others. It's obvious and straightforward. But equally important and often overlooked is the willingness to ask for help. People love to be useful, to provide value. Let others help you. Let them make your life a little better. It gives them a boost and strengthens the relationship.

As someone who detests admitting weakness, who prides herself on self-sufficiency, this has been a particularly difficult habit to cultivate. But the more I do it, the easier it becomes. I remind myself that a request for help is a form of a gift.

Openness and closure
This dichotomy causes me particular grief. Openness: a willingness to let anything in, to try anything once, and to experience new and different kinds of people. I excel at this. I'm almost pathologically open. I try new things, meet new people, and stretch my limits. Being open is a very simple way to give yourself.

But sometimes you encounter things and people that drain your energy, reduce you, infect you with negativity. That's when you need closure. Closure: cutting things out, closing things off. This is a brutal necessity in the self-preservation game.  In order to truly be able to give yourself to others, you have to be willing to be the best self you can be. 

I try every day to give myself to the world and to the people in my life. It's not always easy, and I don't always succeed, but I will keep trying. I will keep learning. I will keep doing better. Every day. For you.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Positive energy often is drained away by the world because so many people are inherently selfish. We seem to live in especially selfish times, although it's hard to be sure since this is the only time any of us have firsthand.
But I don't think the answer to this problem is to cut yourself off. I have found it much more useful to stand outside of myself. It's more than simply not taking the negativity personally, although that is a good start. It's about giving up the self as much as possible and not worrying about it at all.
Rather than try to be the best self possible, I see not being a "self", as far as that is attainable, to be more useful.
I floated the term "Exstasism" for this idea as a way of separating it from any religious or philosophical origins that carry baggage, especially in the West.
http://erikhare.wordpress.com/2012/04/06/exstasism/
I find this approach to be much more liberating. The perspective offered by "self" is very limiting and, I'd say, ultimately not a lot of fun, either!

Unknown said...

What we have here is a difference of perspective. I'm looking at things that directly affect me, not taking a grand worldview. So, when people in my life are unkind, when a project makes me unhappy, when an environment is uncomfortable, I cut those things out.

Dissociation from self would be, for me, a dissociation from the most valuable thing I can offer the world. I'm best at relationships and a unique perspective. If I don't preserve my ability to offer those things, I offer nothing.

But then again, our perspectives have never particularly aligned, have they? :)

cindy elizabeth said...

This:

I remind myself that a request for help is a form of a gift.

I need to remind myself of this constantly.

My brain is friend so I can't find better words other than, "you're amazing." So glad I'm getting to know you more, lady. :)

Unknown said...

Thank you, Cindy. I'm happy to get to know you, as well. :)

Unknown said...
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